this comes up a lot in therapy
March, 2022
Massive value is given to my alone-time. The occasions in which I'm on my own and have the liberty to focus my mind into whatever I desire are fucking sacrosanct. In those given moments, my habit is to zone-out into a day-dreaming state. I'm an optimistic person at core. This makes future projections extremely comforting. Thinking about what's to come it's like painting a picture knowing that the canvas will portray exactly what I had envisioned. I enjoy adding details. The first factor I usually set is my outfit, then the weather (always at least 22°C), the place, the company (if there's any) and, of course, the emotions circling in my body. There's no room for disappointment. Everything is subjectively perfect. These mindful trips are my safe place.
Sooner or later, I must (mentally) come back to address my responsibilities. Many times, this rough return causes me frustration. Just a second before I was exactly where I wanted to be and suddenly I find myself a long way back. How much I want to actually live my dreams makes me flirt with the idea of skipping all of the steps in between. I get anxious while contemplating how long it is going to take me to get there and how complex it will be.
Reality exists, said my therapist. This simple phrase made me realize that having the future on a pedestal diminishes the value of the present. Jumping over the process of achieving my goals would leave a massive hole in my story. I'm not ripping out pages of my damn biography. Ever since this awareness sinked in, whenever I feel rushed or impatient to face the scenario I have around me, I ask myself: What can I do right now to get me even the slightest closer to where I want to get? This has worked really well.
Furthermore, I cherish the level of control I have over my human experience. The unexpectedness has been leading me to ways I could have never fantasized about. With that said, I don't want to play the part of the highest power. It's a competitive role and I have no interest in auditioning for it.