damn it!
April, 2023
you know when you make a mistake but then there's a turn of events and it gets fixed?
this has happened to me many times, for example:
when i was in berlin for the first time and stayed in a hostel (for the first and maybe the last time). as i packed my things to leave, the envelope containing my money was nowhere to be found. can't recall how much it was. not a lot, yet, everything. looked for it all around like a maniac. someone found it in an extremely random place. could never explain how it got there. my relief was monumental. even rolled on the floor out of gratitude. the staff was quite entertained.
when i woke up too late, missed an exam and managed to retake it another day.
these episodes of almost fucking up are important learning experiences
but not as much as when the mistake can't be repaired
people are constantly teaching each other
and amid these lessons there are the ones focused on
how not to make a certain mistake
ihave people close to me that will get very descriptive and vulnerable on their own experiences that didn't go to plan
this is great since i can sometimes get negatively affected by the perfectionism portrayed in social media, plus, i appreciate the details of a messy story
by virtue of the absorption of these informations
there are some faults i'll literally never commit
on the contrary
sometimes the theory doesn't translate so well to practice
and i'll misstep
i believe that happens because some situations feel too subjective to apply the awareness that would result in the most well thought action
if i'm making mistakes is because i'm being experimental
outside the comfort zone life is full of surprises
within the sum of the mistakes i have made
many didn't have the power to truly change me
they just didn't carry much consequence or personal value
some were repeated over and over again in order to get it right
meanwhile
other mistakes bring up deep identity questionings
they make me suffer and cry and feel fucking regretful
the most recent one was particularly intense
right after it happened i told my dad i felt so stupid and didn't want to be perceived in that way
as if i had been building this i'm trustworthy reputation and it suddenly got ruined
he said something along the lines of
your stupidity or cleverness will be held in your actions following the incident
and that i had the power to choose how i wanted to deal with it
this and other amazing advices made me go from melodramatically wanting to disappear from the face of the earth to standing my ground and treating myself with compassion
the process involved
constantly reminding myself of my accomplishments and strong features
allowing myself to be guided by the drive of becoming a further grown human being
realizing that other people have never paid an excessive amount of attention to my faults
they are too focused on their own, just like i am to mine
fucking up means you are fucking alive
could go on about this subject but for now
the end